Five Things That Will Not Make Him Love You, No Matter What

From my infinite depth of experience, I now present five things you can do to change absolutely nothing and stay single for another glorious lonely day. None of these behaviors will get you a boyfriend, guaranteed:

1. Walk briskly past his department, as if you have somewhere important to be. Keep in mind what you've read: looking busy makes you attractive. Lift your head with a preoccupied air, and march on by, swinging your arms with purpose. Imagine he glances up and sees you headed off to a meeting or on your way to pick up a hot document. He notices your carefree, jaunty manner. He thinks, "I should talk to that girl. She seems like an interesting specimen. So full of good ideas." Do not look in his direction. If you do this at least four times throughout the day, determined to NOT check first to see whether he is looking or even at his desk, you will be sure to end the day man-free.

2. Check your email 57 times. Especially around lunch time. He might send you an email, after all. "Hey, I remember you from five out of every seven days of the last few hundred weeks. Do you want to get a sandwich?" You should check.

3. Spend an enormous amount of time picking out your outfit. The time you spend in front of the mirror in the morning is inversely proportional to the number of boyfriends you have by evening.

4. When having coffee in the break room, read an improving novel. Sit so that the cover of the novel is facing the door. Try a "The Girl Who..." book. Or the new Franzen. Maybe by chance he has just finished reading this exact novel. Say nothing. When he walks in, don't look up. Lay a shred of turkey on a tiny cracker and put it between your lip glossed lips, not moving your eyes from the page. For bonus points: if you choose a novel you know for sure that he has recently finished reading himself, you will increase your chances of getting laid by zero.

5. Look down most of the time. In fact, carefully time your packing up and your end of the day conversations so that you're standing in the elevator with the man of your dreams. Spend the whole trip focusing on his zipper pull. Or, if that makes you feel too hopeful, focus on his shoes.

Still, there remains the thrill of going to work tomorrow. What would I do without my unrequited love to look forward to?